Article by Catherine Taiwo

But he is no more. He died 5 years ago. He died from a kidney disease. How that was able to afflict him, remains a mystery for me today, because he neither drank nor smoked. But it started like a joke. He complained of pains on his upper part of his abdomen one night. I thought it was a minor issue but it dawned on me it was a major matter a little after midnight. My husband was coughing, and breathing was so hard for him. Even though I was not yet a good driver, I managed to get him to the clinic, there was no doctor unfortunately that night, only nurses quacks perhaps they brought drips, injections and several things I did not know, just to calm the situation. It worked just a little. He survived to see the doctor the following morning.

He examined him and told us the plain truth. He said mark has a damaged kidney and referred us to the teaching hospital .after seizes of test; they said mark needed not one kidney but 2! But he gave us 1 option: 0,000 in India! Believe me, that was a tall order. We could not afford that. The best and most we could do were to plead with relatives. But how much could anyone avail? We had not gathered up to ,000 when he had the final bout with the illness. It was quite pathetic, because it was as if money was the issue standing between us and his survival. That night about 10.30 pm my husband died in my arms at the teaching hospital. Honestly I had wept, because I knew the pains of loneliness in this cruel world .but my closest friend Nelly was there to console me .she offered me her shoulders to cry. ‘Nicole, I am not with you’, she told me almost weeping. But sometimes things like this happen .it is a difficult situation, but hold your self together and look up to God. And I resolved I would do that, at least in my own little way I was able to bury him, despite the fact we had spent on hospital bills .personally I would say I gave him a befitting burial far more that what people thought I could do. Honestly my belief was that I owed him for all the good times we had on earth.

At the end of the burial I had nothing left .but I had many issues to settle because I have 2 kids a boy and a girl in a private school fees was there to be sorted, whether I liked it or not, and the funny thing was just in my 20s.yes I work in a good insurance outfit, but my income would not do the magic

Nadia met me one morning at junior’s school. I wanted to drive off in frustration , owing to what his teacher told me she had explained to me that if I did not pay junior’s fees in one week I would have to take him to another school’s had begged her to give me 1 month she said no .

‘The proprietress said she has been barking at me for protecting him .I am tired because my job is on the line too. Maybe you need to take him to another school. Public schools are also good and you …’she wanted me to withdraw my kid from school because I could not afford to pay the fee .that was the long and short of it .that insinuation was hurting, considering the fact that we used to be the first to pay when my husband had not been afflicted with the deadly kidney disease I was sobbing inside the car, when Nadia walked up to me.

‘What’s the matter? She looked concerned. I raised my head to talk, but I could not. The more I tried to talk, the more tears ran my cheeks, she understood.’Crying will not solve the problem, Nadia. I think you need a helper. God knows you are young woman, and a widow. You need some one in your life; that is why you are a woman’. She said, casually. ‘You cannot keep living like this in fact’. I did not understand the weight of that statement until some 2 months late. It was Nadia’s birthday; she had invited me and so many other friends. I t was nice soothing, and sure made me forget the worries of life, because we had so much to eat and drink. I was sitting, drinking fruit juice and fried meat, when a tall man dressed in cream-colored linen came in my front.’I have heard so much about you. They say you are nice quiet and friendly’, he said smoothly. ‘I am Benjamin Franklin and I am pleased to meet you he wore an infectious smile, ‘thank you’. I said quietly. ‘Nicole I don’t want to waste your time or mine, because I will soon dash out of this place .I will want us to be friends. I understand the plight of a widow, and I promise to fill in that gap. I may not be as perfect as your husband, but I promise I will make you happy in my own special way’, he said. As he spoke genuineness was written all over his face. ‘I don’t know but I think I need a little time here. Could you let me have that please?’ I asked. ‘Why not have all the time in life ‘but I will drop mine and get yours too, so we can stay in touch ‘.that was exactly what we did, and before I knew it he had dashed out. It was later my friend Nadia told me that she was the link between us. She kept drumming into me that Ben the kind of guy I needed at that point in time. ‘But he has a wife’. ‘Yes but his wife and 3 kids live in Canada .he comes around always because of business. In fact, he is in Nigeria, more than he is in Canada. And he has dollars. He is a gentle man, and girl, you need a man like that’. Nadia said. I promised I would watch and investigate ,but by the time Ben demonstrated his brand of love and affection , I knew there was no way I could delay it .like he rightly said he was not like my dead husband but he was making me happy in a special way.

soon , ben became a member of my household, because he was always around. And he tried his best to make the kids love him by picking most of their bills, buying them expensive toys doing things a caring father would do. I was enjoying it until junior started his hallucinations, if I may use that word. One night, while I was walking Ben to where he parked his car, junior started screaming, ‘mummy see daddy!

I looked back I did not see anything. He kept harping on the fct that his dead dad was following me. It was after Ben had left that I sat down with him to know what was wrong. I asked him to tell me the truth if he saw his dad.

‘yes he wore a white lace and white shoes’ he said .the fact that made it complicated was the fact that junior was just 3 and half years old. I did not think he would be fabricating such lies, but I also did not believe that a ghost has powers. Another issue I found striking was the fact that whenever junior saw he would be wearing white lace and white shoes. Could it be he had been walking about the attire he was buried in? It was more puzzling, and with ever of Ben’s visit, junior would have tales of his dead father to say. I simply kept praying, but sometimes it would get out of hands. He would be sleeping, and suddenly he would start screaming ‘daddies please don’t beat mummy and all that.

I would wake him up, and he would tell me that he saw his dad with a cane, coming to hit me.

‘Why would he want to hit me?’ I would ask junior in annoyance. ‘He never hit when he was alive’. The whole scenario kept me confused.

a scenario `came to show that junior may not be lying after all.

Ben told me of a certain need he had after making huge expenses on his business deal in Nigeria. He said he just needed a loan of 0. He even said he would give me 00 at the end of the week when he would be ready to pay me.

‘I have some money in the bank. But it is the last installments of my husband’s entitlement .I have kept that money for 6 months. I explained.

“Doesn’t worry trust me i will give you back in 1 week, not more ‘.he said. Of course he has been generous to us and since it was time to assist him, I agreed to lend him the money. That morning all hell was let loose. While I was preparing to go to the bank for the money, something disturbing happened, I was taking my bath, and suddenly a whirling sound enveloped the bathroom. Then I noticed a hand with a cane in the air! I screamed but before I I could run of the bathroom, the hand had hit me more than 6 times!

By the time neighbours gathered, there was no sign of that hand in the bathroom. The neighbours searched everywhere, yet there was no sign. But junior said he saw his dad living the room with a cane! That set the house on a higher tempo.

Since then I have been going from 1 spiritual house to the other. Some said what we had been noticing is not real but deceptions and manipulations of the devil. Others said it is real, but that I need to do certain things before he will let me. Does anyone have the solution to the jealous soul of a dead husband?

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Everyone who tweets has, in due course, tweeted things that were not well received. Often links are boring, commentary lacks the proper ironic mindset, or jokes are simply not funny enough. While these failed tweets are frequently embarrassing, they are in no way life destroying. Accept of course, for Paul Chambers.

In a tweet Chambers joked about blowing up Robin Hood airport unless it reopened so he could fly and visit his girlfriend. During a routine internet search by airport staff the tweet was discovered and dismissed as a non-credible. For whatever reason the tweet was given to law enforcement officials anyway.

The authorities searched his residence and pc before putting him in jail for around 7 hours. The government is prosecuting Chambers using a law created in to protect female telephonists at the post office in the 1930s, because they were unable to find legal justification to use bomb threat legislation .

Chambers lost his legal battle in legal move IBB solicitors considers regrettable, and appealed it to the court of Jacqueline Davies. Judge Davies (the appeals judge) must be extremely literal, as she upheld the original decision and added on additional legal fees . Be sure to remember when thinking of the fines that Chambers lost his job over the incident.

Chambers has received substantial support amongst those who comprehend sub-text. The broadcaster Stephen Fry, for example, has offered to pay any amount Mr Chambers is fined.

The Twitter trial is the true joke. It managed to simultaneously crush a man’s life and put free speech on the interent on trial also. The Chambers/Twitter joke trial is far more menacing to a free society than the original tweet. IBB solicitors advises all to be careful what you tweet.

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MAN’S MIND WORKS WONDERFULLY WITTILY or AMAZINGLY WITLESSLY ~MANY JOKES HERE ARE TRUE

On a Queen’s birthday a dinner was given in honour of her and soldiers known as ‘beef-eaters’ catered – they served.. lamb.

When it gained independence a new country announced that from then on cars should not be driven on the left side of the road, but on the right -except for trucks for a transition period of three months…

When a government tested a railway firm’s performance a train did not stop at any stations -when criticised by the press it announced that it was because it had to arrive at its destination on time…

A presenter of a sport programs, in the days that colour television was new, commented on a pool game: ‘… for those of you not watching on a colour set, the yellow ball is the one behind the red…’

In a country when teachers and people complained of educational and teaching standards was appointed to improve them.. a general.

A regional state appointed a minister to organise governmental dietary advice –he came to be talked about as being a fat minister.

A senior official, when criticised that it was discovered, from the impressions left on the sheet under it, that written evidence had been tampered with, announced that plastic sheets would be inserted between them in the future to ensure not to leave any impressions…

‘Robin Hood did not rob the poor -they had nothing to rob’

A bookshop sign, at a time of industrial strikes, advertised a famous pop-singers book of her pictures, displaying this sign: ‘Buy her book -she supports both the employers and the employees’…

A government officially announced that, because the employers preferred academic certificates to skills certificates, skills certificates should be issued in identical form on identical paper…

‘In the United States one asks for the check and pays by bill -in the United Kingdom, one asks for the bill and pays by check’

One of the poems of the teacher and thinker the late Orhan Seyfi Ari contains these verses on man’s behaviour: “’I was an ape’ you say, or amphibian… And now, are you not, now, man.!?”

‘Some ‘intellectuals’ wanting to test a writer-thinker hailed also for his wit, asked “Can you think of a word that sounds like ‘sugar’ but is shorter?..” He said: “Sure…” They asked: “What is it, then..?”‘

Of a country often joked about its population not being very bright a national said to another’s, “If you can think of how many apples I have in my bag, I’ll give you.. both of them!” The other’s thought and thought and thought, and said: “Six..?”

An internet browser stumbled upon and looked for knowledge on a Western owned Eastern educational website priding itself as ilmkidunya  (ilm=knowledge, dunya=world) and found on it.. his own article.. plagiarised!

“I’m.. a.. African” when hear some people, they remark “A-aw.. ‘e don’t speak good English.”

A member of a government advised this as an example of how the industry might lessen its financial problems at economically difficult times: by delaying for few days paying their bills -to each other…

“Houses we have built for you, at cost–price, for only this much, each,” said a government in response to complaints over the rising house-prices, but people who sought to purchase them were asked to pay about four times that –an official explained: “That was the price of the house itself –the rest is for the land that it sits on”…

When a television station showed a documentary millions of television audiences watched with interest adding to their knowledge how young workers in the fields placed ladders against the trees and climbed them and picked off them spaghetti -it was April fool’s day.

‘Someone was asked what the new monarch would do when he came to the throne, and replied: “He will sit down…”

An art gallery exhibited not a painting wrapped in the dirty cloth used to protect the floor from paint splashes but.. the wrapping.

It seems that auburn jokes are taking the world by storm, much the same way that blonde jokes were a decade ago. Auburn beauties are envied by some and seen as temperamental by others. Some of the really bad jokes about auburns tend to focus on Lindsay Lohan, of whom there is enough material for an entire joke category.  

So what is a blonde in a room full of auburns? Invisible. This is one of the auburn jokes that went around about brunettes years ago. Some of the jokes are considered funny, especially if they are one liners. Bad jokes tend to take up too much time and do not make sense. Unlike blonde jokes, auburn jokes often have to rely on the other person thinking that auburn haired women – and yes, the jokes are usually about women – have a certain personality. Many of the bad jokes about auburns are really just blonde jokes in disguise.      

Auburns have had an easy time of it up until now. The world was so focused on blonde and brunette jokes that auburns were ignored. This left an entire joke category open to those who write jokes. With famous auburn haired women such as the notorious Lindsay Lohan bursting onto the scene and wreaking havoc wherever she goes, attention was soon diverted to auburn jokes as well as auburn haired women. Many of these jokes are disparaging to those with auburn hair just as blonde jokes are disparaging, in many cases, to blondes. But most people who listen to these bad jokes and who have auburn hair love the jokes. Many feel that it is about time that those with auburn hair got some attention in the joke world.       

Bad jokes come in two categories – bad because they are not funny and bad because they are offensive. Most people who make these bad jokes do not mean to offend. Jokes are meant to be taken lightly and most people will laugh the hardest when the joke is directed towards their group. Most blondes get a kick out of blonde jokes just as auburns get a kick out of auburn jokes.    

The funny thing about jokes, no pun intended, is that they can usually be rearranged to fit any group of people. How many auburns does it take to change a light bulb? The answer can be 10 – one to hold the bulb and 9 to turn the ladder. This is an example of one of the bad jokes that have been labeled at just about every ethnic group as well blondes.  .  

If you are looking for jokes, even bad jokes, you can find them by going online. The great thing about the internet is that you can have a ton of information right at your fingertips. So go and find some jokes and then tell them to the auburn haired people you know. It is all in fun.

Bill Engvall, Larry the Cable Guy, Ron White and Jeff Foxworthy sit down besides each other and tell a couple of their favorite jokes. The song at the beginning of the video is called “Sweet Child O’ Mine” by Guns N’ Roses. I do not own this video, as is property of WMG.
Video Rating: 4 / 5

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Biker jokes have been around for ages. Just about any type of profession has a joke related to it. Sometimes, you can combine biker jokes with accountant jokes to make a funny joke. The reason these jokes are funny is because of the images people have of bikers, who are generally thought to be rough characters and accountants, who are thought to be mild mannered.

One of the best accountant jokes that can also be lumped in with biker jokes is the old biker bar joke. This is how it goes- An accountant is sitting in a bar sipping a beer. He is a mild mannered fellow and minding his own business.  A bunch of bikers roar up to the bar and then go into the bar and immediately begin harassing him. He tries to ignore them as they continue to insult him and make fun of his glasses and the fact that he is a mild mannered guy. In many biker jokes, the bikers are seen as a stereotype. The same holds true with accountant jokes.

The accountant continues to ignore the bikers who then begin poking at him and getting physical. One of the bikers pours beer on his head. He does nothing. Another pokes him with a pool stick. He does nothing. They take off his jacket and wave it in front of him like a bull. He still does nothing.  

When you are telling biker jokes or accountant jokes, you should make sure that you illustrate the point without going overboard. You do not want the joke to be too long or too short. This joke can go on about the harassment but stops at the point where the accountant pays for his drinks and leaves the bar.

One of the bikers turns to the bartender and says, “Not much of a man, was he?” sneering at the cowardice of the accountant who did not defend himself against a bunch of guys who outnumbered him and were bigger than him.  

And the bartender turns to the biker and says, “He’s not much of a driver, either. He just rode over all of your bikes.”  

Irony is part of all good jokes, and the same holds true with biker jokes and accountant jokes. It is always good, when telling jokes where someone is bullied, to let the victim get the last laugh and turn the tables.  

If you are looking for good biker jokes or accountant jokes, you can do so by going online. There are biker jokes forums as well as accountant jokes forums that can keep you in stitches. You can copy a few good jokes down and send them to friends. One way to really make someone laugh in the morning is to send them a joke. If you go online, you can find plenty of biker jokes and accountant jokes that will provide you with plenty of good jokes to tell your friends.

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Article by Kacy Carr

Jokes jokes and more jokes means more laughs laughs laughs. Laughter is a sure sign of jolliness, happiness and enjoyment, so if telling jokes can create emotions and atmospheres as such then why is the whole world not telling more funny jokes at every opportunity

Even in the most miserable of mundane surroundings you can bet a bottom dollar if good jokes or gags are cracked then the atmosphere changes from gloomy into a jolly ambience.

If you are in charge of an entertainment plan for a wedding, birthday party or anniversary, then, for the celebration to be a success you will need a good script of funny jokes. Jokes are funnier if actions are applied. Remember, actions speak louder than words. If it is your choice to take the part of a stand up comedienne, then so be it. If you are afraid of making a fool of yourself on stage, then better still because the more you act the goat the laughter gets louder when the punch line is delivered.

To keep the air filled with laughter keep the jokes rolling. When telling jokes. clean or dirty, you have to bear in mind that not everyone shares the same sense of humour, meaning, seeing the funny side of things, so therefore do a little research on what you feel is appropriate for your guests. Clean jokes are just as funny as dirty jokes. People can also be easily offended and embarrassed at joke material – so this is why it is important to check out your audience first. Racist’s jokes should be avoided, telling racist’s jokes can be disastrous which is understandable with the world as it is today, where sadly we have more crying than laughing.

Okay back to planning what party jokes you tend to use and how to present them, once again remember, actions speak louder than words when telling jokes and so do costumes. Dressing up can have your onlooker now see your funny jokes as being hilarious. Choosing the right costume will make all the difference so be careful at this point because, no matter how funny your jokes are, your outfit can send out other signals. For example: Take coco the clown who we expect to throw buckets of water over people, topple and take tumbles, okay this is fine if you want to play funny pranks on people, however it is not often you see a stand up comedienne dressed as a clown unless telling kiddies jokes.

Comediennes are usually remembered for their jokes and how they dress. Drag queens like Lily Savage, Danny La Rue and Dame Edna Everage became famous for their false identities (opposite sex). Then we had Max Wall famous for his walk and Freddie Frinton for his role of a drunk on stage. These are just a few ideas, however the more unique you are under the spotlight may just keep you in the spotlight if you wish to make a career out of telling funny jokes.

If you selected different jokes like Irish jokes, Scottish jokes or even parrot jokes, then at your side have a case filled with assorted wigs or instruments to use; these will help make your hilarious jokes come to life.

Some people are naturally talented when telling jokes, however for those who are not and find they have been nominated to entertain need not fret. All you do is watch a video of how other entertainers perform when telling jokes. Duplicate the jesters actions by standing in front of the mirror and practice, who knows you may even laugh at yourself at this point.

If you want the event to be a success then audience participation is definitely the way forward for guaranteed laughs. When calling upon a guest to join you on stage to help out with a trick or you tend on them being on the brunt end of your joke, then you must select that person with carefully, meaning, “Can they take a joke”.

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There is a hidden way to learn how to be funnier. The primary thing we should do is understand why we find something hilarious, at least the way recognized scientists tell it is. At times when we comprehend new stuff, the mind builds the new path, from a neuron to another neuron.

This path is called a synapse and this is an example of the ways it works:
While thinking about food, if we think of, let’s say, blueberries our brain will make a route (the synapse which will get thicker), connecting the two neural cells that contain the data we have on food and that fruit. So, the next time you think about food, you’ll surely be thinking about apples, as well. What you’re probably thinking is that this has nothing to do with humor. Well you’re wrong, as this is in fact the way humor works.

It all begins with a person telling you a simple and short story. Stand-up comedians call this a setup. After this, you should be thinking about this story in a certain way. And then, your brain will create connection, leading from this setup to a suitable punch-line. Now, you probably won’t hear the same punch-line that you thought of, but a different one, instead and it will make you laugh. Most of the people don’t understand this right away, but the next example will surely explain it better.

The Setup:
What is the most satisfying thing next to being shot at and missed?
The Punch-line:
An income tax refund.

What did you think when you heard the setup? I am sure you have thought that the car is being driven by one of the three people. It’s normal to think that way, as that is just the way our brain was made to work. And as I said, the punch-line was totally different than you expected. This is in fact the main principle of the way humor works.

A good setup is of great importance. Good comedians will always have a setup that only delivers the basic facts, so that there are many possible punch-lines you can think of. Now, the more you believe your punch-line is the best one, the more you’ll laugh when you hear the real one. But if you’re already familiar with the punch-line the joke won’t be funny anymore as the brain won’t be making any new routes.

This article should be handy in case you want to create new jokes. When a man tells something that all the people thinks about in the same way, but you figure out an unexpected way to understand it. Now, if you tell this to others, it should be funny.

Going to a comedy club to hear a comedian tell jokes is an excellent way to spend the night on the town with a spouse or group of friends. It can even serve as an ice breaker for a date. It is difficult to go on a date with someone with whom you know little about, but listening to jokes and laughing is an excellent way to loosen up. However, it is recommended that you one call ahead to the comedy club to find out who will be appearing. Many clubs will attach a rating to the comedians based on their jokes. This would be helpful in preventing an awkward situation if the comedian was “R” rated and the date desires more of a “PG” performance at comedy clubs.

Also, improved theatres are a good way to take in a comedy show. Improved performances are loaded with lots of good jokes and laughs.

For a quick laugh or a laugh anytime of the day, one can turn to the internet. The number of jokes available on the internet is mind-blowing. One can do a search for jokes and pull up a number of sites that offer a database of jokes based on numerous categories. These sites even allow users to submit their own jokes and advice on writing jokes. For children that wish to be young comedians, the web even provides websites with clean jokes for this age set.

For those who wish to write their own jokes, one must listen to a lot of jokes to begin with. Pay attention to the kind jokes you like because these may very well be the kind of jokes you end up writing. Also, be prepared to write a lot of bad jokes. As with anything, practice makes perfect and a good comedian was not always a good comedian. Try new jokes out on friends and family first to get their reaction, before taking jokes public. Last but not least, learn the rules of construction. Jokes are really no different than a lot of things in life and without the proper construction, they will flop and nothing is worse than a bad joke. Also, do not try to be someone that you are not. Some comedians are great at twisted jokes but some comedians are great at other types of humor. Stay true to yourself. If you do not stay true, then your jokes will never be funny. So whether the goal is to relax, break the ice or become the next great comedian one thing is for sure-nothing is better than a good joke.

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In addition to playing music, most bands tell band jokes to liven up the crowd. Some of them are funny and get everyone laughing. Good band jokes are those that are not offensive or corny and give everyone a laugh. Bad jokes are those that are inappropriate for the situation.

There are plenty of good band jokes for band members to tell at weddings, parties and other occasions. Obviously, there are some jokes that should not be told at certain functions at they are bound to cast a pall upon the occasion and some bad jokes may end up having the guests ask you to leave. Many parties have been broken up because of bands telling band jokes that they thought were funny, but others found to be in poor taste.

When you think of bad jokes, you may think about tired old jokes that everyone has heard before. These may be bad, but not as bad as telling an off color joke at a bar mitzvah in front of a bunch of kids. If you have a band and want to tell band jokes to liven up the crowd, be sure to choose jokes that will be appropriate for the occasion.

There is an old urban legend about band jokes at a wedding. The singer got up and decided to take a break from singing and liven up the crowd by telling jokes. He decided to tell a joke he had heard from a friend. The problem was that the joke was not a made up tale, but a true revelation about the bride. The groom felt that the band member was insulting his wife by telling bad jokes about her. The bride was mortified. The singer and the groom ended up in jail because of a fight. Apparently, it was not a good idea for the band member to start telling band jokes and should have saved his voice for singing.

This is an urban legend, although like all urban legends, it has a ring of truth to it. The thing that makes these stories so plausible is that they can actually happen. Anyone who wants to tell jokes at a party or celebration better be aware of the origination of the joke and be sure that it is right for the occasion. Telling bad jokes can end up getting someone into a lot of hot water and is not good for any band.

You can find band jokes that are not bad jokes by going online. When you go online, you will find hundreds of good jokes that are ideal for any occasion. Remember that the same jokes you choose for a bachelor party may not be appropriate for a 50th wedding anniversary with the entire family present. Telling good jokes that are right for the occasion just takes knowing how to find the jokes and using a bit of common sense.

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